Are you looking for logical ways to get your kids to listen, and listen the first time? You might be surprised to know — it has more to do with how YOU communicate first.
How do you get your kids to listen the first time?
First — Listen to them
Getting your kids to listen can be one of the most daunting tasks of parenting. It seems that a common way we react to our kids NOT listening is to raise our voices louder and louder until we get a reaction.
But listening doesn’t only mean to get their attention, right? It means that you want them to soak up what you’re saying and go the distance — follow through with what you asked of them without talking back or being disrespectful.
So what if we could figure out how to get them to respond better, instead of picking up the pieces and dealing with bad behavior after they didn’t want to listen in the first place? There is a way.
Let me give you an example.
If I ask my son to get ready for school in the morning, it sometimes takes me saying it five times before he really follows through — then I end up yelling, he gets frustrated, I get angry…it doesn’t end well.
But I’ve noticed a correlation to him not listening, to how I’m communicating.
Usually, when it takes him five times of hearing a command to following through, it’s when he was distracted by something else, and I wasn’t making sure he was in a good place to listen. I know this to be especially true for boys. Sometimes, you have to get them to look at you in the eyes, repeat it back, and watch them begin the task.
You see, kids are not adults. They do not function as adults, and they don’t quite understand the consequences of not following through as adults do — as they mature, their understanding of this will get better.
It starts with how you communicate to them
Let me first say, be patient with your kids. I’m continually reminding myself of the reasons my son doesn’t listen. And sometimes the only reason is that he’s eight-years-old. Children are much slower paced than adults — we could actually learn something there.
So before you go thinking that these little tips will cure your child of all listening issues, then I would caution you.
These tips are more so to help YOU communicate better so your kids will listen.
Also, consider this.
“Before you go looking for solutions to change your child and their behavior, look within and make sure their behavior isn’t a result of something you need to work on as a parent.“
Along with that comes patience (which I know none of us are perfect at) and a profound responsibility to understand who your kids are.
Understanding who your kids are has a lot more to do with listening to them, than them listening to you. So make sure you’re listening to their hearts, listening to understand, and not to respond — this will lay the foundation of healthy communication in your family.
Ask yourself these questions.
Can they handle what you’re about to ask them? Have you taught them how to do it? Are they distracted when you ask them?
I remember one time asking my son to “deep clean” his room, assuming he knew what this meant.
I found shoeboxes full of trash stacked neatly under his bed, his clean shirts hung upside down in his closet, and all his clean clothes in his dirty hamper.
Sure, he was being a little lazy, but I also didn’t instruct him as to what I meant or showed him how to do it.
The more communication on our part as parents, the better.
Kids need to understand the “why” more often than not.
Here are five things you can do to help you communicate, and your kids listen.
. Conversation starters that will resonate with your kids for emotional bonding and a great neutral way for them to open up to you. With questions like “If you were a superhero, who would you be?” you will find yourself laughing and connecting as a family in a unique way.
5 tips for getting your kids to listen the first time
1 . Make sure your kids aren’t distracted when you are talking to them.
This could mean a simple, “Hey, can you look at me, so I know you’re listening?” before you begin your question..
2. Don’t ask them to do things that are higher than their maturity level (Age Matters).
Back to kids aren’t adults.
Let’s say you ask your 5yo to go clean his room after his show is over. Thirty minutes pass, he turns off the show and then starts playing his legos.
You go up to him in frustration and say that you had asked him to clean his room. He shows disappointment, and says, “Oh yeah. But can I first finish playing legos?” He then continues to try and avoid cleaning his room. You get frustrated, and before you know it, he’s in time out for talking back, and everything is amiss.
There is a way to avoid this situation.
It starts when you asked him to clean his room.
A. He probably wasn’t paying attention because he was watching something. B. Most of the time, 5yo’s don’t have to capacity to remember specific tasks after a certain amount of time (especially boys) and C. Cleaning his room is not the most exciting thing to do so he’s already selectively listening to you.
So what should you do differently? Well, if it were possible, have his reward for cleaning his room be watching a show. But if that wasn’t a viable solution then…
After he turns off the show, get down to his level, make sure he’s looking you in the eyes, and say.
“Hey bud, it’s time to go clean your room. (be simple and clear on what you need from him. Don’t ask. If you ask, it gives them an opportunity to talk back.) How about afterwards, we play a game together?” (Offering something to look forward to often times motivates them to achieve their task).
Sometimes, I use a timer, which helps him stay motivated and concentrated on finishing the task.
Now, let’s say you have a 14 yo who is very capable of remembering to clean his room after his show is over.
At that point, if he doesn’t follow through, a consequence is needed since his maturity level is higher and he should know better.
Do you see what I mean by age matters?
3. Talk respectfully and not in a demeaning way – Kids SUCK at listening, but are great at imitating
Just to get it out there, when things get stressful, and we are tired, PMSing (check out what I do to help with PMS), we struggle with communicating in love and not frustration. This article isn’t meant to make you feel like a failure as a parent.
We ALL suck communication sometimes.
So take this as a helpful suggestion, not a judgment.
It’s easy in the heat of the moment to bark commands at your kids. I do it ALL the time. But I realize that when I do that, it affects the way they respond.
If I am kind and respectful in asking my child to do something, then his response is more respectful. If I am short and shrill will my demand, his response is disrespectful, and it takes us a while to get to his doing the task–he ends up in trouble, and I end up angry, yada yada yada.
So I’ve realized that to save us the trouble, we do it right from the get-go, and doing it right starts with me asking in a respectful way.
“Influence your child’s heart with your affirmation, and not your disapproval. Captivate your child’s heart with your unconditional love, so they don’t think they have to earn it. Understand your child’s heart by listening and not controlling.”Hillary Gruener – Word From The Bird
That being said, there are certain tools you can implement that help you operate on a level your child needs, and one that will produce results.
Do away with negative commands.
It’s frustrating for anyone to be constantly criticized and commanded around. And most moms amid chaos struggle to remain positive with their words.
But what we need to realize is that our children will respond MUCH better when our commands are positive.
Instead of saying, “don’t hit your brother,” say, “please be gentle with your brother.”
See the difference?
Repetition, Eye Contact, Over Explanation, and Proximity
If you know humans, you know that repetition has proven successful in remembering something.
- Repetition – Kids, especially, need to remember what you have asked of them! The best way to get them to remember is to make eye contact and repeat back what you’ve asked of them.
- If they’re upset or showing they don’t want to listen to what you’re saying, a great way to address is to get down to their level, ask them calmly to look you in the eyes, and then say what you need to say.
- Also, when asking something of them, make sure you’re in close proximity. Nothing good comes of barking orders at someone from another room.
I find that with my toddler, the more I explain about what’s going to happen or what has happened, the better. Gently, and in a calm voice. I swear by it, even when he’s throwing the biggest tantrum.
I wait for him to calm down and ask if I can explain the situation. After he’s calmed down, he accepts what I said, and we move on.
4. Make sure your child is in the right state of mind when you communicate with them
Our older son, who is nine, and the two of us parents, have to sit down for some deep convo’s sometimes. This usually happens when he has been having a hard time listening, obeying, or being disrespectful.
Sometimes it’s just because we want to make sure he’s okay because he seems a bit off.
Sometimes it’s just because we want to show him we care about his feelings and emotions.
Whatever the conversation you have with your child, whether that’s addressing behavior problems or asking them how they feel emotionally, make sure you are attentive to the state of mind they are in.
If my son is showing anger and frustration, I know it’s probably not best to continue our conversation about his misbehavior. He needs a moment to cool down; I need a moment to cool down.
So I usually say, “Go take a minute to figure out why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling, and then we can talk about it.”
This helps him to calm down and also to think about why he feels the way he feels.
MY LIFE JOURNALS are also a great activity to give them when they feel frustrated. It helps them navigate their feelings, and turn their minds to something positive, like what they’re grateful for.
You know your kids more than anyone, so before you get into it, make sure they’re in the right headspace, and also that YOU are as well.
Nothing good comes of you communicating out of anger.
5. Give them rewards (not what you think) when they follow through on something you asked them to do AND on something you didn't ask them to do.
The most glorious moments in parenting are sometimes as simple as your child doing something you ask them to do, that they don't normally do, without prompting.
For me, this was when my son started putting his backpack in the right spot after school.
Instead of throwing it in the middle of the living room, I showed him the place it belongs.
It took him a while to get this down, and sometimes he still forgets. But he knows that if he doesn't put his backpack in the right spot, he's lost 15 min of video game time from the weekend.
But when he DOES it, without me asking him, I reward him. And I don't mean reward as in give him a new toy or more video game time. Rewards can quickly become the wrong motivator for our kids obeying.
I more so mean to reward them with your praise and acknowledgement on follow through. This can mean a simple "thank you!"
Sometimes we underestimate the power of kindness and showing appreciation in our parenting.
What happens when they still respond disrespectfully?
Sometimes we can do our best to communicate in love, and do our part in using the tips I provided above, yet STILL they don't listen or are disrespectful.
So what then?
This is where I tell you, parenting is hard. You know that. But sometimes if we just accept that our kids won't be perfect, we can relax a little and stop trying to control them.
But if things are getting heated during communication, here is something you can say to help.
“Why don’t you take a minute to figure out why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling, and then we can meet back in....(set amount of minutes) and talk about it. I need to do the same”
By both of you simply stepping back and cooling off, you will better communicate because your emotions won't be heightened.
The older a child gets, the more likely you will have to do this.
I hope these tips will help you and your family start your new journey to healthier communication! Remember, it starts with YOU.
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