Eradicate Disfunctional Parenting in 7 Easy Steps

There will be things in this world that desire my children’s attention but don’t deserve it. Things like popularity, unhealthy expectations of themself, perfect grades, social media appearance, perfect style, and saying all the right things.

There will be “cool kids” who they will most certainly aim to impress.

They will struggle with feeling inadequate or like they don’t fit in.

There will even be a desire to please us, their parents, and we will let them down and make them feel like their not good enough.

They will most likely struggle to find their place in this world, believe lies about themselves, and battle insecurity.

They will probably get their heart broken while also breaking someone else’s.

They will make friends and lose them. They will experience significant loss in their lives and have to learn the many forms of grief, including grieving the version of themselves that they haven’t yet lived up to in their minds.

They will most likely struggle with depression and anxiety at times.

They will get into arguments with their spouses and pass on to their children some unhealthy habits they’ve learned from us.

They will learn that love is not only a feeling but a choice they need to make daily.

They will one day see the world as it is and no longer view it through their innocent, wonderfully childlike colored glasses.

They will grow frustrated as they realize that trying to make the world a better place is sometimes impossible.

They will form their own opinions, learning to love and accept others even when they disagree.

They must contend with their selfishness and learn that a humble and grateful heart is the secret to contentment, but accomplishing that daily is near impossible.

My boys will most likely experience all the things I have, in an even darker world.

And while I can’t protect them from everything, I can walk with them through the muck, and do my best to ensure that their time at home was a positive experience for them. This is the goal.

Step 1 – Reflection of the past

When you look back on your childhood, did your parents walk you through it well? Did they teach you the skills for mental strength and how to stand firm in your faith despite what the world says? Did they teach you to please God and not people? Did they give you tools for knowing how to speak the truth in love? Did they allow you to share your heart with them — the good, the bad, and the ugly?

Perhaps they did an incredible job, and you can count yourself blessed. Perhaps they did for the most part, yet missed the mark on some things. Perhaps you had to learn all these things for yourself because your childhood was broken. Maybe you’re still in the dark, and every day is a struggle for survival, and you’re left confused about how to navigate life and parenting.

Wherever you are in your journey, as parents, we can remember that we are responsible for our children and our family’s health, no matter our past. We can rise above. We can do better. We can claim the victory we have in Christ to raise children who flourish in this darkness.

If you want a more in-depth study on the topic of this article, check out my e-book Raising Disciples.

Expect the enemy to dismantle you.

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” Ephesians 6:12

Whether you realize it or not, the spiritual aspect of raising a family is very real. Our adversary wants nothing more than to sabotage every effort we make to raise warriors for Christ. And if you’re not on the same page spiritually, I would submit to you that you’re in need of a Savior. If you are on the same page, you can skip to the next step.

Before I met Jesus, I was plagued by feelings of emptiness. I didn’t feel lovable, I was confused about my purpose, and I wasn’t really sure where I would end up when I died. I thought I had to be perfect to be loved. Life was bleak. I was weary.

But then, I was presented with the truth that I didn’t have to be perfect in order to be loved. That God loved me, even though I fell short. And He offered for me the greatest gift of life, and I accepted. Jesus willingly went to the cross to die for every sin I would ever commit. And all I had to do was believe that He loved me so much that He sent His Son to die for my sins.

You see, the spiritual realm operates much like our justice system, except it’s perfect, not flawed. There has to be a payment for all the sins. And now that Jesus paid the price, I am free, and death will not keep me. I have the assurance of heaven. God knew we could never live up and be perfect. So He did it for us.

What a beautiful gift.

Life isn’t always easy. Being a believer doesn’t keep us from pain or struggle. In fact, this verse clarifies that. “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Until we are with Jesus, we still live in a broken world with broken people. But He promises us that He will never leave us through it all. Are you ready to make a choice for Jesus? It’s as simple as a prayer and watching your life (mostly your perspective) change right before your eyes.

“God, I am broken, but you can make me whole. I believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins so I can be set free from the pain of my past and future. I believe that Jesus is the Son of God. I accept this free gift of love and will now walk in the truth of knowing I am a son/daughter of the King.”

Now you can find many of the questions you have about God in the Bible. There are also some great books you can read to help you understand, like this one from Paul David Tripp – Do You Believe? It’s amazing what can change for you after you decide to walk with Jesus: parenting, marriage, relationships. God will give you wisdom because once you accept Him and believe in Him, you now have the Holy Spirit inside of you, helping you.

Step 2 – Break free from the norm.

There is one thing you must realize to accomplish growth and change in your parenting, which will not look anything like the norm. And if you’ve found yourself caught up in the system of the rat race, never seeing your kids because they’re gone all day at school and sports, driving from here to there all day, putting your kids on screens all day, and feeling exhausted all the time, you can break free of what’s entangling your family and experience the freedom that comes with healthy priorities.

It starts with you. How often are you doomscrolling? Do you look up from your phone when your kids enter the room? Do you spend more time within the contents of your phone vs the hearts of your children? Are you self-soothing with social media instead of spending time with your family? As parents, we set the example, and we can never expect change in our children when we are unhealthily attached to screens ourselves.

It might not be easy to start, but once you get into the swing of things, your life will be easier and more peaceful, and your children will reap the benefits of how God intended the family unit to thrive.

The truth is, we’re still learning. We are far from perfect. But I do know that when I get it right, there’s peace, joy, and I actually enjoy being around my family. And even if your partner isn’t at an ideal place in their life to join you on this mission, you can lead the way. It starts with you.

Write down your parenting goals

A great way to start is to write down what you desire your family to look like. Be detailed about it. Describe how it feels to be home for you and your kids. Is it peaceful? What are your children busy doing? What does it smell like? Does it involve homeschooling? Do you want your kids to be off screens? Do you want to start going to church? Do you want to start doing dinner as a family? Incorporate a family game night? Do you want to start praying together or doing a family devotional? Plan a vacation? Do you want to spend a certain amount of hours outside? Ask yourself what an ideal picture of your family is, and then work towards accomplishing that.

Incorporate one or two things off your list every week and go from there.

Step 3 – Reconsider the use of devices

Depending on what you’re working with as a family, adjusting will take some time, especially for your kids. Be patient. If they’re used to spending 5 hours on their devices every day, you may need to wean them off slowly. Check out this article about digital detoxing for more details.

Take an hour off their time every week and replace it with something fun. The following week, do two hours, and so on, until you reach your preferred screen time amount. It may take time if your children aren’t used to using their hands and minds and being creative.

Unfortunately, screens are one of the leading causes of mental health issues among kids, so keep that in mind as you’re discerning what’s best for your family. For our family, we watch occasional movies, and that’s it, unless we get sick, then all sanity is thrown out the window, lol. But I realized that if I let a little too much in, my kids have to detox all over again.

My older son has a Bark Phone, which I recommend for kids instead of a regular smartphone. I’ve written a review article on it if you’d like more info. You can adjust his freedom according to your own needs and their age. He can stay in touch with friends without internet or social media access. As he gets older, we can adjust the phone to fit those needs.

Allow your kids to be part of the conversation.

When adjusting things in your home, your kids must be on the same page. At the end of the day, you’re the parent, and sometimes kids won’t like the change. That’s why it’s essential to explain to them the WHY. “I want our family to thrive and try this no-screens thing to see if it helps us.” Tell them it’s a trial run for something different.

At age 12, my son decided to give up video games on his own, even though he was already limited to a few hours on the weekends. He realized how it affected him, and he was surrounded by other kids who didn’t play video games. We also live on 20 acres, so it was a relatively easy adjustment for him. I realize not everyone has that option, but there are alternatives.

Even if you live in the middle of the city, they can get creative.

Once my son made this decision, his creativity exploded. Within a few months, he wrote his own book and has started another. He plays his piano a few hours a day in addition to homeschooling and working outside on our homestead, reading books, and doing crafts like map making and watercolor. He has voiced that he misses playing Minecraft, and right now, we’re considering that again. It’s an ongoing conversation, and we keep his suggestions in mind.

I don’t want to exasperate my children. I want to leave room to consider their needs and not keep him in a bubble, but I will protect my kids from the damaging effects of social media and unlimited screen time. They will thank me later, even if they don’t always like it.

I’ve witnessed firsthand how my children have changed when we removed screens. There are fewer behavioral issues, creativity comes back, and boredom is lessened. They can entertain themselves and gain knowledge of other things they wouldn’t usually know. They spend more time outside. The list goes on.

Keep this in mind. For many families, removing screens even a little or alltogether has drastically changed their family dynamic. I truly believe that the enemy has used technology to damage families. Be very discerning when it comes to screens. If you don’t believe me, just give it a few weeks as a trial.

Step 4 – Make family time a priority

This may seem like a no-brainer. Make a list of everything you’d like to do for family time. Involve your kids. It doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive. Simply eating dinner, playing games, reading, and watching a movie together are simple ways to nourish family time.

This is fun game we play that helps us connect on a deeper level.

Prioritize time with your spouse

If you’re married, prioritizing time with one another is essential in a relationship. We live an hour from the nearest restaurant, so date nights are few and far between for us. But we make up in other ways by leaving a few hours at the end of the day when our kids go to bed to spend time with one another.

A healthy marriage is at the root of a healthy family. Keep it sacred.

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Step 5 – Stay physically healthy

I know this may seem nonessential, but believe me, it’s important. Clean up your home from chemicals in products and things like laundry detergent. More studies are coming out about the harmful effects of most household items we use, especially on our hormones. If you have a teen going through puberty and their hormones are being messed with, it will affect your everyday life. Even for you as an adult, unbalanced hormones can cause a lot of damage to your mood.

Being conscious of how much processed foods and sugars your kids get will dramatically determine their behavior.

My life changed when I went mostly Keto, especially getting enough animal fats. I make my own sourdough bread. We raise our own chickens. I know, you’re thinking, “trad wife.” But really, I’ve gone back to the basics and experienced its healing benefits. Being outside more, cooking clean, and making our environment free of chemicals have made a HUGE difference. I could never go back.

Step 6 – Consider your child’s needs

I’ve written many articles on this topic, so I’ll link a few, but this is possibly the most crucial step in parenting success. Determining whether your kid’s bad behavior is caused by your dysfunctional parenting can be quite eye-opening. I have to continually self-reflect on this.

Sometimes, it’s as simple listening before correcting or giving them my undivided attention. An evening sitting with my son before bed and hearing his thoughts on life does the trick. Sometimes, it’s asking my boys how I can pray for them.

Figure out your child’s love language and pour into that. Do they need more snuggles? More verbal encouragement? More time spent together?

Here are some more articles on this topic.

Mentally Healthy Kids Have Parents Who Do These Things

5 Questions to Ask Your Child Daily to Help Support Them Emotionally and Mentally

Step 7 – Connection before correction

If I’m contantly nagging my children throughout the day, correcting their bad behavior, whilst not connecting with them as humans, I’m missing the mark. Be grateful and show your appreciation for their help around the house. You set the tone. If you yell at them from acrossed the room in a harsh tone to do their chores, do you think they will repond well? If you aren’t patient with them, do you think they will be patient with you? If you’re disrespeful in your tone, do you think they will respond with respect?

Communicate when you’re having a rough day, and always, ALWAYS repent for your shortcomings.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t like how I said that, can I try again?”

Kids are so forgiving, thankfully. But we have to be willing to admit to them that we aren’t perfect. In doing this, you’re relaying to them that it’s also okay for them to not be perfect.

Model the behavior you wish to see in your kids.

Are you too strict as a parent? Here’s how healthy discipline can set your kids up for success

There’s so much more to write here, but you can find more details on this topic in the e-book I wrote here. Thanks for reading and I hope this blessed you. Parenting isn’t easy. We’re all disfunctional in our own way. But when we stop self-reflecting on our actions and example, that’s when things can spiral out of control.

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