Are you married but lonely? Most people who are single, think that if only they were married or in a relationship they could escape their feelings of loneliness. But unfortunately, feeling lonely is very much apart of some people’s relationships and marriages. So much so, that their loneliness has yet another painful element — rejection.
Lonely but in a relationship? You’re not alone.
Now more than ever, couple’s are facing an epidemic that is taking down more marriages than ever before.
One would think that if you’re married, or in a relationship, you would feel companionships, friendship, and like you don’t have to go through life alone.
It’s with this misunderstanding, people think that when they get married or begin a relationship, it will cure all feelings of loneliness and beckon some type of fulfillment their heart was previously lacking.
In best-case scenarios, your marriage or relationship will be full of companionship and you won’t feel lonely and depressed. But that’s not how it is for everyone.
What should I do if I’m lonely in my marriage?
There is hope. And as I am not aware of your specific circumstance or journey of your lonely marriage or relationship, I can tell you about how my marriage went from a very lonely one to one full of friendship, companionship, and life.
There are many ways to begin this journey of fighting for your marriage. On my blog, I address many issues that arise in marriages. To name a few:
Today, I want to specifically address those of you who feel lonely in their marriage, and what YOU can do to begin your journey of what to do when faced with this very harsh reality.
I first want to address what marriage is, and what defines a healthy relationship.
What marriage is supposed to be, and what it’s not
Marriage, as God intended it to be, is a mutual bond; commitment to one another that brings forth life and joy. It’s the action of two people becoming one.
When this doesn’t happen, it’s no wonder that one feels lonely and depressed.
Because humans aren’t perfect and there is sin in the world, we will always short change the potential that marriage could ultimately have. But with God’s help, we can grasp and work towards the beautiful connection that He purposed in two people becoming one.
If you aren’t married yet, and you’re feeling lonely in your relationship, I would seek outside help in figuring out whether or not that person is worth marrying. Right now, I am specifically addressing those of you who are married. The two should be addressed very differently.
I am a strong component of working through difficulties in your marriage, and not throwing in the towel just because you’re unhappy. If there is no presence of abuse — both emotional or physical — then your marriage is worth fighting for.
If your marriage has been through any form of abuse, it’s important to seek counsel on what steps you should take next to make sure you and your children are safe.
Married But Lonely 5 Step Plan
1. Take care of yourself
A common side effect of getting married is losing yourself in one another. Some people get married before they even figure out who they are. They put all of their eggs in one basket — their marriage — hoping that their feelings of happiness or fulfillment will come from that.
It’s important that you are content with who you are before you get married, and if not, that you continue to grow personally even after you are married.
I have a lot of resources on growing personally and spiritually.
It’s very easy to think that your partner is there to meet all of your needs, and when they don’t, your world comes crashing down. I know because I’ve been there.
But when you focus your attention to nurturing yourself in a way that isn’t selfish but empowering, you can begin to recognize that your happiness is not achieved simply by the actions of your spouse, It’s achieved by recognizing how beautiful and important you are to Jesus.
2. Find something You love to do
It’s taken my husband and me a long time to figure out how to meet one another where we are, especially when it comes to time together. After ten years, we feel hardly qualified to give advice on the ins and outs of marriage.
But there are a few things we’ve grown through and gotten right that I believe can benefit others if they are also struggling with what we have: If you have something you like to do as a hobby or activity, ask your spouse to do it with you. If they don’t want to, don’t let it stop you. If you’re really want to connect with your spouse on a deeper level, it might mean you have to meet them where they are at. If you need some good ideas, check out this guide on growing deeper, and a creative list for date nights.
Over time, if you are both willing to compromise, you will find something you both love to do together.
Because only God knows the true pain you are experiencing from being married but lonely, only He can bring you the comfort you need. In my loneliest of days, the one thing that got me through was knowing God would never let me go.
I know this sounds repetitive and obvious, but it’s true.
Instead of trying to change your spouse to make them who you want them to be, pray for them. Pray for your marriage and surrender control to the only one who knows the future.
4. Do Your Part
We can all be guilty of sitting back, hoping the other person takes action so we don’t have to. But the beauty of marriage is that it’s a joint effort.
In order to make sure you are doing your part in meeting the needs of your spouse, read this.
Also, check out my workbook for couples HERE! It’s full of incredible ways to get through your slump TOGETHER — but it’s also something you can do by yourself.
Make sure you are giving your marriage everything you have. Usually, when we do this, amazing things happen. Selflessness, even in the face of loneliness, is something to be admired. If you can rise above your feelings of hurt and rejection to serve your spouse, they will see this.
It usually brings about change in their lives and actions, knowing that you are giving your all. Only heartless people don’t respond to this. If that’s the case, you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship, in which case, I would seek help.
5. Don’t wait for your spouse to make you happy
If your spouse never comes around to meet you where you’re at, then understand this. You are responsible for your own JOY. Joy isn’t the same as happiness. Joy is associated with contentment. To experience contentment we first have to arrive at gratitude.
That means you can acknowledge the good things in your life, accept the bad, and experience joy because of it. Joy is a choice, and happiness is a result of that choice. I’ll say that again. Joy is a choice to accept where you’re at,, and happiness is a result of that choice.
This doesn’t mean you will always ‘“feel” happy. But joy is something derived from Jesus. It’s a profound surrender and acceptance that He is in control no matter what comes your way. This is the only true and lasting hope for our lives as Christians.
We can read all of the self-help books we want. But nothing compares to removing ourselves from the picture and putting total dependence on Christ. It’s with this, you don’t have to wait around for your spouse to make you happy.
You can receive it today and now, knowing you have everything you need within yourself — Christ and His unrelenting love for you.