They look at me. My kids. They expect me to be there for them. They should. I am their mother, after all. But some days, I’m not okay. I’m so tired I can’t sleep. All I can think about is that I need to sleep. So I don’t sleep.
I don’t sleep because…the world.
I don’t sleep because…what if?
I don’t sleep because…I wish I would have said.
I don’t sleep because…am I showing them enough love?
I don’t sleep because…am I feeding them enough veggies?
I don’t sleep because…I didn’t eat enough veggies, and my immune system is probably shot, and I didn’t work out, and the cat pooed in my bed again, and what if there are poop particles on my pillow, and I when will life start making sense?
I don’t sleep because…wine.
I don’t sleep because…coffee.
If only I got enough sleep, I could be the mom I have pictured in my head.
That mom who looks good with no makeup. That mom is 35 but looks 25. That mom feeds her child all organic, non-GMO, gluten-free food. That mom makes sure there are no chemicals in their soaps, laundry detergent, or even the very air they breathe in their household. That mom who works but also has time to make sure her kids get a home-cooked meal every night and gets in a 5-mile run every morning.
You know, that non-existent Instagram mom we believe we should be but aren’t.
While she’s doing all that, I still haven’t brushed my teeth by 3pm. At that point, I might as well wait until bedtime.
I’m done with it.
You should be, too.
And even though I desire to hold myself to a higher standard, self-reflect daily on my parenting, and be a good mom, I will fail. And that’s okay.
I need to learn the balance between having grace for myself and dying of myself.
Having grace for myself doesn’t mean elevating MY needs before my family. It means to be filled up with God’s strength so that He gives me the power to succeed. But I will fail. Get that? I will fail.
You will fail. You are not perfect. That’s okay.
Moms are not okay. But that’s doesn’t mean we can’t do something about it. Run to God. Let Him fill you up. And the next time you’re not okay, let Him fill you up again.
Not to mention,